Why Do Children Throw Tantrums Only at Home? – Secure Base and Emotional Expression

A child who is described as angelic at kindergarten or daycare throws tantrums and shows irritability at home. This perplexing situation experienced by many parents is actually a very natural phenomenon in a child's psychological development. Developmental psychology explains this through the concept of 'Secure Base.' According to attachment theory proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby, children can only express their true emotions in environments where they feel safe.

Home as a Secure Base

A secure base refers to a psychological and physical space where a child can return when feeling anxious or threatened while exploring the world. Mary Ainsworth, who developed Bowlby's attachment theory, observed how children utilize caregivers as a secure base through the 'Strange Situation' experiment. Children freely explore when their caregiver is present but return to the caregiver to confirm safety when a stranger appears.

Home is the most powerful secure base for a child. Outside, they suppress emotions while following social norms and behaving according to others' expectations. Sharing toys with friends at kindergarten, following teacher's instructions, and sitting quietly during lunch time require considerable emotional energy from the child. Upon returning home, children finally show their true selves in the only space where they can reveal these suppressed emotions.

The Developmental Process of Emotion Regulation

Children's emotion regulation abilities are closely linked to prefrontal cortex development. According to neuroscience research, the executive function of the prefrontal lobe continues to develop until age 25. Especially for infants and young children, the brain regions responsible for emotion regulation are still immature, making emotion suppression itself a significant burden.

According to research by psychologist Ross Thompson, children perform 'Emotional Labor' throughout the day in external environments. Smiling in front of teachers, enduring conflicts with friends, and participating in unwanted activities induces stress similar to adult work life. The tantrums and irritability shown by children returning home are part of this emotional labor release process.

The Meaning of Selective Emotional Expression

The fact that a child throws tantrums only at home is paradoxically a positive sign. This is evidence that the child trusts their parents and perceives home as a safe space. From an attachment theory perspective, children who have formed secure attachment express negative emotions more freely in front of caregivers. Conversely, children with insecure attachment may suppress emotions or show excessive compliance even in front of parents.

Developmental psychologist Alan Sroufe's long-term longitudinal research shows that secure attachment in infancy affects subsequent emotion regulation abilities, social competence, and even relationship formation in adulthood. A child throwing tantrums at home means they are utilizing parents as a secure base, which is an indicator of a healthy attachment relationship.

Providing a 'Safe Outlet' for Emotions

So how should parents respond? First, it's necessary to reinterpret the child's emotional expression not as problematic behavior but as an expression of trust. Convey the message: "You held it in well outside. It's okay to show your feelings at home." Second, utilize emotion coaching. Emotion coaching, presented by psychologist John Gottman, is a process of acknowledging the child's emotions, naming them, and teaching appropriate expression methods.

For example, help verbalize emotions by saying: "It seems like kindergarten was really hard today. You seem angry—can you explain to mom in words?" Third, maintain a consistent secure base. It's important to respond consistently to the child's emotional expressions. If you show empathy some days and anger on others, the child won't trust parents as a secure base.

Being Cautious of Excessive Compliance in External Environments

One thing to note: if a child is excessively compliant outside and explosively emotional at home, it may be necessary to check the stress level in external environments. The pressure the child feels outside may be excessive, or the educational environment may not match the child's developmental level. Also, if a child doesn't express emotions at all even at home, this could be a sign of insecure attachment or emotional suppression, and professional consultation might be worth considering.

Application in Daily Life

When a child throws tantrums at home, parents easily become frustrated asking, "Why do you act like this only at home when you behave well outside?" However, this is evidence that the child trusts their parents and is a natural process of developing emotion regulation abilities. In the secure base of home, children practice their true emotions and learn how to handle emotions through parental responses.

Understanding your own response patterns and your child's characteristics through parenting stress tests or child temperament tests can also help. The important thing is the effort to understand the child's tantrums not just as problems but in the context of attachment relationships and emotional development. For children, home should not be a place to suppress emotions but a practice ground for learning to express and regulate emotions safely.