Why Does It Feel Like Only I Am Being Compared? – The Psychology of Comparison and Self-Esteem

"The neighbor's kid already went to college, what are you doing?" "Your friend is already married, when will you?" We are constantly compared in daily life. Yet in the same comparison situations, some people brush it off casually while others are deeply hurt. Why does it feel like only I am being compared? Psychology explains this through the relationship between 'Social Comparison Theory' and 'Self-Esteem.'

Social Comparison Theory: Humans Instinctively Compare

According to Social Comparison Theory proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, humans tend to compare themselves with others to evaluate themselves. This is particularly prominent when there are no objective standards for self-evaluation. For example, there is no absolute standard for the question "Am I a good parent?" Therefore, we gauge our position by comparing ourselves with other parents.

Festinger distinguished between Upward Comparison and Downward Comparison. Upward comparison involves comparing with someone better than oneself, which can be motivating but also risks lowering self-esteem. Downward comparison involves comparing with someone worse than oneself, which can temporarily boost self-esteem but may hinder growth motivation in the long term.

Comparison Sensitivity: Why Are Some People More Vulnerable to Comparison?

People's reactions differ even in the same comparison situations. This is related to individual 'Comparison Sensitivity.' People with low or unstable self-esteem react more sensitively to comparisons. Psychologist Abraham Tesser's Self-Evaluation Maintenance Theory explains how others' success affects one's self-esteem.

Especially when someone close succeeds in an area important to oneself, it threatens self-esteem. For example, if a person who values academic achievement hears that a close friend got into a good university, they may congratulate them while internally feeling shaken. Conversely, success in areas unrelated to oneself or by distant people is relatively less threatening.

Confirmation Bias: "Of Course, Only I Get Compared"

Confirmation Bias in cognitive psychology further reinforces comparison experiences. People with low self-esteem have the belief "I'm always being compared" and selectively perceive only information that confirms this belief. Even when parents express expectations equally to all siblings, a child with low self-esteem may feel they are uniquely being compared.

Additionally, due to Negativity Bias, negative comparison experiences are remembered more strongly than positive feedback. This is why one comparison lasts longer than ten compliments. According to neuroscience research, negative stimuli more strongly activate the amygdala and are stored as emotional memories.

Two Types of Self-Esteem

Psychologist Morris Rosenberg distinguished between Global Self-Esteem and Domain-Specific Self-Esteem. Global self-esteem is an overall evaluation of oneself, while domain-specific self-esteem is self-evaluation in specific areas such as academics, appearance, or interpersonal relationships.

People vulnerable to comparison usually have Contingent Self-Esteem. This means self-esteem fluctuates based on external evaluations or achievements. In contrast, people with Stable Self-Esteem are less shaken by external comparisons. According to research by psychologist Jennifer Crocker, people with contingent self-esteem depend excessively on others' evaluations and experience greater stress in comparison situations.

Comparison Culture in the SNS Era

Social media has maximized comparison culture. On Facebook, Instagram, etc., only others' 'highlights' are visible, so we compare our daily lives with others' best moments. Research by psychologist Amy Orben reported correlations between SNS usage time and depression and low self-esteem. Especially during adolescence, peer comparison is crucial for identity formation, so the impact of SNS is greater.

There's also the problem of 'invisibility of comparison.' On SNS, others' difficulties, failures, and worries are not visible. This creates unrealistic standards and amplifies the isolation of "Why am I the only one struggling?"

Psychological Strategies to Escape Comparison

First, shift to Temporal Comparison. Compare with your past self rather than others. The question "Have I grown compared to last year?" focuses on internal growth rather than external standards. Second, understand the context of comparison. Behind others' success are invisible efforts, failures, and circumstances. Don't just compare results; consider processes and contexts.

Third, cultivate Self-Compassion. According to research by psychologist Kristin Neff, self-compassion alleviates negative emotions from comparison. Treat yourself kindly as you would a friend, and acknowledge that imperfection is a universal human experience. Fourth, control comparison environments. Reducing SNS use or resetting relationships that trigger comparison are also methods.

Application in Daily Life

Comparison is human instinct, but we don't need to be dominated by it. It's important to distinguish whether comparison motivates or damages self-esteem. If you think "I should try harder" after comparison, it's healthy. But if you feel helplessness like "I can't do it," that comparison isn't helpful.

Understanding your self-esteem type and comparison sensitivity through self-esteem tests or personality tests is also useful. Recognizing in which areas and with whom you're vulnerable in comparisons allows you to anticipate and cope with those situations. Comparison is unavoidable, but you can define its meaning. Living by your own standards rather than others' standards is the first step in escaping the swamp of comparison.